Have you all been keeping up on the latest fad? Do you know what’s the latest, greatest thing ever? Well, if not, take off those MC Hammer pants, put down that duct tape and plastic sheeting and stop doing the Macarena and get with the newest flavor of the month!

I’m talking, of course, about flash mobs! Of all the asinine gatherings that make no sense and have no point, flash mobs are among the best. If you don’t know what flash mobs are, well, let me “break it down” for you.

Flash mobs are organized when someone posts a time and location on the Internet, as well as instructions for what to do at said time. Then everyone meets there at that time, follows the instructions and then disperses.

They don’t just leave, they disperse. You might think they mean the same thing, but saying everyone “disperses” as opposed to saying everyone “cheeses it!” shows the incredible gravity of the situations of these flash mobs.

When these flash mobs meet, they usually undertake some gargantuan task in an effort to dramatically change the world for the better, such as meeting at a “Yu-Gi-Oh” toy display at a Toys ‘R Us and kneeling before it and chanting at it, and then dispersing.

And as with most pop culture fads, UW-Oshkosh is far ahead of the national curve! Why, flash mobs are so popular here at Oshkosh that the “in-crowd” here already considers them to be so totally five days ago.

Several flash mobs have already been successfully organized and carried through here. One flash mob met at Blackhawk commons one day at noon, ate some food and then dispersed. It was awesome!

There was also the flash mob that met three different times in one week! It gathered at one of the Clow lecture pits at 10:20 on a Monday, and then again the following Wednesday, and once more on Friday. Everyone pretended to listen to some bloated gasbag in a tweed jacket while they doodled and sent text messages on their cell phones for one hour, and then they all dispersed.

While that flash mob was monumental, it was still on some level disappointing because many of the people who showed up on Monday did not show up on Friday.

However, not all Oshkosh flash mobs have worked out as they were planned. For example, none of the flash mobs I organized have generated any interest.

For example, I attempted to organize a flash mob to meet at the statue of Abe Lincoln’s enormous head, which is across the street from the Scott residence halls and is right in front of Lincoln Elementary school.

My plan was to meet at the exact minute when the final bell at Lincoln school rings, and then disrobe and mount the statue of Lincoln’s head. As the children file out of school, we would moon them and then disperse very, very quickly once the fuzz arrives.

However, nobody showed up. Except for me, and now whenever I move I have to tell my neighbors why I’m not allowed near any elementary schools anymore.

My low flash mob turnout might be because I only advertise my flash mobs by screaming the meeting time and place out of my window at 4 a.m. and by replying to all the spam e-mails I get with my great plans.

Sometimes I get the feeling that rmkubfwrmpra@cvgjik.net doesn’t really care about my flash mobs, but then I remember that rmkubfwrmpra sent me some unsolicited advice on how to increase the size of my “runty member,” so if rmkubfwrmpra doesn’t want to hear unsolicited information about my flash mobs, rmkubfwrmpra can cram it.

But I’m keeping my chin up. Eventually, I hope to organize a worldwide flash mob. I want to convince everybody in the entire world to meet at Greenland and jump up and down really hard.

The reasoning behind this is simple: first, it’s always a good idea to have all the people in the world who would attend a worldwide flash mob in one place. You want to know where they all are at one time, so you can be somewhere else.

And second, hopefully all those billions of flash mob aficionados jumping up and down would be too heavy for Greenland and would cause the entire island to sink into the Atlantic ocean.

Thus, in one fell swoop, I would eliminate two things from my enemy list: people who like flash mobs and Greenland.