Welcome back to the start of a new semester! I hope you all had yourselves a wonderful Christmas, New Year’s eve, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan, Diwali or whatever the hell else you people celebrate.
But religious beliefs aren’t important. What is important is the fact that we are ushering in a whole new semester, filled with great new opportunities! Like all new classes to not go to! All new parties to not remember the next morning! All new professors to ignore! And all new books to waste exorbitant amounts of cash on!
Although not everything about the start of a new semester is so exciting. There are downsides in beginning anew. For example, I have no idea what to fill this worthless hole of a column with. I would usually put in something pertaining to current events at UW Oshkosh, but since nothing has happened yet, I am forced to do something that requires no creativity in the slightest. And that is, of course, going through my 100 percent real, not-at-all fake mailbag.
Contrary to what you people probably think, what with me being not very funny and as popular as an ominous, black boil on your neck and as big as your big toe, I do receive quite a bit of fan mail and substantially larger amounts of hate mail.
And because so much of this mail is so very interesting, I would like to share it with my adoring public. And, as previously noted, because this keeps me from doing any actual work.
Dear Chris Becker,
I think your column is great! You are a very talented writer, and a very charismatic individual with creativity to spare! You should consider branching out into other projects, as you would most definitely be successful in any endeavor you choose to follow.
The entire campus and I will be awaiting your next work of art. I hope you never graduate because I can’t go more than a few days without your brilliant wit. Keep it up!
— C. Beaker, a real student.
Why thank you C. Beaker, an obviously real person, for your obviously real letter! Even though there are numbers of cold-hearted individuals who would discredit me just because I advocate violence and racism or because I would print a fake letter in a mailbag column as to make myself look far more beloved than I actually am ... not that I actually did that, it’s just something my detractors claim I would do, although it clearly cannot be proven. It’s a good thing to know that individuals like C. Beaker are around to appreciate high art.
Dear BECKER, CHRISTOPHER,
CONGRATULATIONS!! On your good credit!! Because of your good credit history and your status as a citizen with less than (3) felonies, you are being offered this great deal from your friends at Elan!
This one time only offer is special and custom made for you! Our financial experts have determined that you deserve a brand new Visa card with a fixed 5.9 percent APR and a very limited amount of high monthly service charges!
After you receive your beautiful Visa card, emblazoned with your choice of either any one of 31 NFL teams (Cleveland Browns not available) or an image from the “Visa: Precious Moments” collection (Available in Super Cute and Ultra Cute) you will also receive a FREE $25 gift certificate for Pottery Barn!
(Visa card agreement forms 46-H to 799-W must be reviewed and signed before Elan will send Visa card and gift certificate. Gift Certificate and the next 60 years of your life are non-refundable.)
Hurry, this offer is limited so act now! Because once it’s gone, you won’t see it again until tomorrow when you find another freaking credit card offer in the mail.
Oh wow! Thank you for this generous offer! This great deal is one of the many perks I get as a campus celebrity that ordinary students just don’t see.
I can’t wait to get that $25 gift certificate for Pottery Barn. I’m going to buy some candles or a soap dish or something I don’t need and can barely tell what I’m supposed to use it for.
This next letter was sent to me via electronic mail, or "e-mail" as it is called by people "in the know."
Dear Chris Becker,
Dude you really suck yuor not funny at all altho teh thing about killing the student goverment was good cause i also hate those jerks one of teh duty ca’s gave me a drinking ir theyare like nazis lol
anyways what the hell was that thing you defended blackhawk commins youar not supposed to defend it youar supposed to make fun of it thats why nobody reads yuoar colum you need to be funnyer and you need to do some more bathroom humour thats the best
— bLoOdRaYvYn6969@hotmail.com
Clearly, not all the mail I receive is positive, although it is always beneficial to get constructive criticism.
For example, this individual, who clearly is very important and was in a very big rush due to his complete lack of punctuation or the huge surplus of terrible spelling and grammatical errors simple enough to be caught by even the most ineffective of spell-checker, feels that I need to criticize Blackhawk Commons instead of defending it. He also feels that I need to use more bathroom humor.
And finally, here’s one more letter, from my fans at the Winnebago Country District Attorney Office:
Dear Mr. Becker,
This is a subpoena. This is the third one we have sent you in the past two weeks. Please do not throw it out and call us bragging about how you threw out the subpoena and there is nothing we can do about it.
Your presence is requested in Winnebago County Court on Feb. 24 at 10 a.m. regarding your arrest on Dec. 12 for disorderly conduct, indecent exposure, public urination, reckless endangerment, attempting to bribe a police officer with counterfeit bills and arson.
If you do not appear before the court at the designated time ,your trial will proceed without you and you will not be given the opportunity to defend yourself. For most people that would be a very bad thing, however in your case I think it would behoove you to be as far away from your trial as possible.
Thank you and have a good day.
— The office of the District Attorney of Winnebago County.
Yeah, they love me and my shenanigans down at the Winnebago District Attorney’s office. What will I do next?
