All of you people complaining make me sick. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You jerks who have been complaining about the coaches of various athletic teams stuffing the ballot boxes by forcing their players to vote for a wellness center they don't know or care much about make me want to retch.

This country was founded on corrupt elections that promote cheating, racism, sexism and other forms of discrimination that don't have words to describe them. Anyone who thinks voting for the wellness center referendum should have been fair is extremely anti-American and is probably a terrorist. Or French.

The United States was founded on the belief that only certain people should be allowed to vote and those people should vote several times, regardless if they're alive or not. The founding fathers intended only certain people should be allowed to vote.

I'm sure Thomas Jefferson and John Adams would be proud to know that players from various athletic teams voted for something that would only benefit people still at the university long after they graduate, like a coach for example, only because they did not want to "get their asses kicked."

Don't get me wrong. I think the wellness center is a terrible, horrible, God-awful idea and the only purpose it provides is to piss off future students by forcing them to pay for something our dumbasses approved.

I would rather pay for the world's largest sex toy factory to be on campus than pay for the proposed wellness center. Besides the fact that it sounds like a second student union, where several million dollars were spent against our will, it won't be built for so long that I would need to fail every single class I take for the next few years to ever be able to use it.

Granted, that wouldn't be all too difficult, but that isn't the point. The point is, if I wanted to do some rock climbing on a fake foam rock wall, I would go to the YMCA or something, and if I wanted to enjoy some simulated hunting, I would go buy a Deer Hunter computer game and pretend I'm a hick.

But what I don't hate, what in fact I love, is the fact the wellness center was approved by cheating. The greatest elections in the history of this country were won by the best cheaters. And it's not just presidents like John Kennedy, who beat Nixon only because his wealthy father paid off the Chicago mafia to make sure his son won Illinois. Even the unpopular presidents were prolific cheaters.

For example, who can forget the legendary presidential election of 1876, which was so complicated and convoluted that if I even tried to explain any of it I'd completely confuse everyone, including myself, without even mentioning who won that election.

It involved Reconstruction, Florida, South Carolina, Louisiana and a lot of bribes. Eventually, Rutherford B. Hayes beat Samuel Tilden. And we all know the fame that Rutherford B. Hayes has ascended to. Maybe the similarly corrupt vote that approved the Wellness Center will lead to as many good things as Rutherford B. Hayes.

I doubt the wellness center will do anything nearly as great as taking the first few steps to establish the federal civil service system. Or having a beard.

And don’t forget the election of 1884, when Grover Cleveland won only because the corrupt mob in New York that was counting the ballots for some reason waited until they knew how many votes the Democratic Cleveland needed to win and then just made up totals.

And Grover Cleveland accomplished feats of greatness, like having a city with a flaming river in Ohio named after him and having a blue monster puppet on Sesame Street named after him. And having an illegitimate child. I highly doubt the wellness center will achieve anything that great.

The point is, only 612 people voted in the wellness center referendum and I may be a bit off on my figures, but I think there a few thousand more people go to this university. And if you people didn’t want the wellness center, you should have really wished that the 167 people who did vote against the wellness center had cheated better than the people who voted for the wellness center.

Either way, don’t blame me if it takes you twice as long to graduate and you end up being forced to pay for the wellness center. I didn’t vote. Because that’s the real American way.