I don't know about anyone else, but I like remembering stuff. Not necessarily reminiscing, because that suggests a somewhat positive connotation, and not everything I remember is good.

Probably my favorite thing to do is relax with a refreshing Nyquil and grain alcohol smoothie and remember stuff that I had at one time known but since have forgotten. For example, I like to remember that one time when I was in first grade that I got my head stuck in a mailbox and everybody called me pumpkin face for like a year. And yes, that did indeed happen.

This is also why I love VH1. The only thing ever shown on that channel are clip shows featuring footage from the show "Thundercats" or old Billy Idol videos, juxtaposed with footage of D-list comedians saying "Thundercats was a cartoon when I was a kid" or "Billy Idol used to be popular, but he isn't anymore."

Did I mention that I'm a complete moron?

It was during one of these recent rememberings that I remembered differential tuition. If you're anything like me (incompetent), then you probably can't remember differential tuition without distinctly trying to remember stuff you've forgotten, like your social security number or what you were doing two years ago.

Differential tuition was a thing (or perhaps it was some stuff? I'm not sure on the exact terminology) proposed by the chancellor where all students would pay some extra money each semester in addition to the large cash prize each student must award the university, and that would improve advising.

I don't know how this would improve advising, but apparently it involves the fact that Elmwood Commons is now deserted and haunted. Also, it involves magic and lots of prayer.

I think by now it should be safe to say that differential tuition has been a colossal disaster of Hindenburg-sized proportions. Of course, it would also have been fairly safe to make that claim back when it was first proposed. But now that begun the process of spiraling out of control, we in the press must do the one and only thing we do well: place blame.

The first person who deserves the united, immutable contempt of the student body would be the chancellor, who proposed differential tuition. However, we shouldn't entirely blame Chancellor Wells. After all, he has to do something, and I imagine advocating the creation of superfluous tuition increases is the kind of stuff a chancellor does. A chancellor's got to chancell, I guess.

And it's not like he didn't need the extra money. Do you know how much money a chancellor makes? He had to do this differential tuition thing. He was only recently able to afford a new air-hockey table. Now he doesn't have to play on one made in 1986 with a puck held in one piece with duct tape.

No, the real blame here lies with the Oshkosh Student Association, or "OSA" as they like to be called. As bad as an idea differential tuition seems now in retrospect, what with students with scheduling questions still required to make an appointment to schedule a meeting with a secretary to make an appointment to meet with an advisor's assistant to be told that all scheduling is done with Titanweb, it seemed like just as bad an idea at the time.

Although, what else would one expect from OSA? I just hope I can graduate before they can pass a new law requiring all students to have their clavicles shattered by OSA storm troopers with claw hammers while they sleep.

But OSA shouldn't receive too much ire from the students. After all, it's a time-honored tradition at this school that student organizations guzzle oodles of student cash for the purpose of promoting crap. For example, Reeve Union Board recently gave Michelle Branch and Jason Mraz numerous burlap sacks embroidered with a dollar sign in exchange for filling Kolf Arena with their own brand of putrid ear rot.

This, of course, was paid for by the students who, obviously, have so much money that they need to be constantly billed, lest the weight of their enormous wallets weigh them down.

At a substantially lesser cost, RUB could have some other musical act, like Rush or that one guy who played bass in Rush, who, although might not suck any less, would certainly not suck any more than Branch and Mraz.

Although this column might seem like nothing more than a list of reasons to leave flaming bags of dog crap just outside the OSA office, it is actually a testament to why the student body shouldn't be more outraged than usual at differential tuition.

Maybe someday we'll see a difference in the quality of advising, and when our school's freshman class needs to sign up for spring-semester classes they will be able to have that meeting with an adviser to be told to do it on Titanweb a scant two semesters after the fact as opposed to six months after they graduate. Although probably not.

However, if there wasn't differential tuition there would be something far worse we'd have to spend that money on. Like dozens of black, phallic poles in the middle of the sidewalks meant to discourage people from driving their cars there and thus forcing all those university vans to drive on the grass which in turn creates huge mud pits that will eventually expand onto the sidewalks and freeze during one of the several hundred times the weather gets fatally cold in the next few weeks, ergo becoming as much of a risk to shatter hip bones as a shower stall without a bathmat in a nursing home because the university won't be able to afford even the cheapest rock salt until late April because they spent most of the rock salt budget so they could build dozens of black, phallic poles in the sidewalk.

And the funniest thing is that now since nobody can walk on the sidewalks without risking cracking their coccyx, the sidewalks would be the safest place to drive if there weren't so many black, phallic poles blocking the way.

Jesus Christ, I seriously need to drop out of school and get a job cutting corrugated cardboard in a factory. At least then I'd be able to afford socks and medicine.