As you probably don’t care, we hosted an Earth Charter Summit something or other here recently at Oshkosh. The Earth Charter is a declaration of fundamental principles for building a just, sustainable and peaceful global society in the 21st century by holding panel discussions on the benefits of local food, or something.

Usually, I wouldn’t have known anything about the Earth Charter Summit because none of it is about me. However, I was required to attend at least one event during the summit as an assignment for my reporting class.

At this point I would like to note that I am, in fact, studying journalism despite my violent disregard for fairness and the truth. Therefore, when nitwits in New York and Italy who read my columns online complain when I make fun of Michael Jackson, they are incorrect in stating that I should go back to journalism school.

The correct thing to say would be that I should start paying more attention in journalism school.

But I digress. Of all the events planned during the Earth Charter Summit, I decided to attend the presentation entitled “Is Democracy Sustainable in Wisconsin?” in the hope that it would be about the chances of democracy collapsing in Wisconsin, and only in Wisconsin, and instructions for surviving the resulting “Road Warrior” type chaos of competing clans battling for control of Baraboo.

However, to my chagrin, it was an extremely depressing discussion about how corrupt the Wisconsin political system has become because politicians are only motivated by money and almost nobody votes anymore. It was depressing because, although I already knew politicians only cared about money and I care more about watching “The Price is Right” than I do about voting, I don’t like having that pointed out to me.

Obviously, the rampant corruption throughout government, not to mention the fact that California just failed to elect Larry Flynt governor proves to me that democracy needs to be seriously reconsidered. It’s had a good run, but I think we all can pretty much tell that it’s gone down the crapper.

Despite the fact that, apparently, I don’t rule the world, I have still decided to take it upon myself to come up with a plan to fix our seriously messed-up political system.

Step one: scrap democracy. It might have been a good idea in theory, but I am no longer comfortable with a society where the people govern themselves. I sure don’t trust myself to keep me safe, and I definitely don’t trust the rest of you to protect me.

We need the loving affection that can only be found in the warm bosom of a cold, wicked dictator with an unquenchable thirst for world domination and a mind control cannon developed by his right-hand mad scientist, Professor Von Evil. Now, I know what you’re probably saying: “shut up.”

It’s probably pretty obvious that I plan on saying some pretty misguided and insane things here, but let me make one thing perfectly clear: I only plan on worshipping the future dictator of Earth, whether or not he has a mind control cannon, only because I don’t want to be enslaved in the cyber mines, not because I would agree with anything he says. Even I’ve got some standards.

Going along with that, my next step in completely ruining and rebuilding society, under the guise that it probably couldn’t get any worse, is to instill the most unpopular and ridiculously evil government imaginable.

Personally, I suggest a brutal police state where terrified citizens are tormented by the government’s army of gorillas clad in Kaiser helmets and red capes, riding Segways and holding a tommy gun in each meaty fist.

The reasoning behind this is that the worse any form of government is, the better the one that replaces it will seem. And when doom and oppression are raining down upon you, you’re going to have a hard time forgetting about that doom and oppression when it’s in the form of a gorilla on a Segway.

So, naturally, a wandering cowboy who carries a coffin with a giant machine gun inside it or Kurt Russell wearing an eye patch, or something like that eventually wipes out this army of scooter-riding apes.

The third and final step is to then bring back democracy as it was exactly before the whole gorilla revolution. Granted, it will still be extremely corrupt and completely ineffectual, but it will seem so much better when compared with the gorilla police state.

I actually think my random, nonsensical plan could work. And even though I clearly know absolutely nothing about politics or the “real world,” I think I also clearly possess a more-than-healthy knowledge base of stupid movies and television shows, and even if that’s not nearly as important as knowing things about reality, it’s at least far more interesting. So you can all cram it; I’m going to go watch C-SPAN.