The recent California recall election, which was won by a robot killing machine sent back in time to kill Linda Hamilton except he didn’t and instead went on to make two sequels, was a very funny joke. In fact, it featured more joke candidates than any previous OSA election.

There were plenty of famous joke candidates, like the Kindergarten Cop, Larry Flynt, Gary Coleman, some porn stars and Gallagher. But they weren’t the only joke candidates. There were also over a hundred other dumbasses running for governor, and since this is California, you can consider all of them to be joke candidates.

Most of these people probably didn’t have actual platforms when they decided to run. Any retired meatpacker or denture manufacturer who paid the $3,500 to be on the ballot can’t possibly be a person who thinks ahead very far.

Thus, as a public service, I have provided a list of some of the funniest joke candidates that you probably haven’t heard of, along with what they listed their professions as on the ballot and what I imagine their platforms were, based solely on their careers and my vast prejudices.

I don’t actually know what their platforms were, but I’m also assuming that they didn’t know either.

I also included how many votes each candidate received and, with the knowledge that it takes $3,500 to be on the ballot, the amount of money each candidate paid for each vote, not counting the cost of materials for the handmade signs they put on their front lawns that said “vote four (sic) me.” Enjoy!

Ivan A. Hall: Custom Denture Manufacturer
Wanted to make the obvious transition of making fake teeth to becoming governor.
Votes received: 2,045
Cost per vote: $1.71

Ned Rosecoe: Cigarette Retailer
Promised not only to repeal any laws forbidding smoking in public areas, but also to pass laws making smoking in public areas mandatory.
Votes received: 2,007
Cost per vote: $1.74

Mike P. McCarthy: Used Car Dealer
Had some super low-priced deals for you on some really great budget proposals previously drafted by Utah! He really wanted you to step into his office, and he could talk to his manager about getting you a special low financing package!
Votes received: 1,196
Cost per vote: $2.92

Darin Price: University Chemistry Instructor
Wanted to make those obnoxious, backwards baseball hat-wearing, constantly drunk little brats who never show up for class but complain about the exams being too hard finally understand the importance of the number of neutrons in a boron atom.
Votes received: 1,028
Cost per vote: $3.40

Robert C. Newman II: Psychologist/Farmer
Vowed to use his ground breaking research in identifying Oedipal complexes in turnips for the benefit of mankind, and not for evil purposes like his opponents would have you believe.
Votes received: 859
Cost per vote: $4.07

Kurt “Tachikaze” Rightmyer: Middleweight Sumo Wrestler
Wanted to make sure that no children in California would go hungry by providing every low-income family with a daily 10-gallon drum of raw fish, seaweed and soy.
Votes received: 733
Cost per vote: $4.77

Joel Britton: Retired Meatpacker
Wanted to shove furious justice down the gullets of the criminal scum and vagrant evildoers of California like so many four-pound slabs of dripping, red meat being shoved into the machine that puts them on those Styrofoam plates and wraps them in cellophane.
Votes received: 655
Cost per vote: $5.34

Paul “Chip” Mailander: Golf Professional
Promised to uphold the integrity of the office of governor by using lots of golf expressions to vaguely describe his plans. For example: “I will hit the ball straight down the fairway when it comes to capital punishment.”
Votes received: 608
Cost per vote: $5.75

Paul Nave: Prizefighter/Father/Businessman
Promised to take a tough stance on criminals by punching them in the face repeatedly, giving them a time-out or thinking outside the box, whichever seems to work best.
Votes received: 586
Cost per vote: $5.97

William Chambers: Railroad Switchman/Brakeman
Thought it would be worth it and pretty cool to spend $3,500 to have his name listed on a ballot seen by literally dozens of voters.
Votes received: 539
Cost per vote: $6.49