You people make me sick. What in the hell is wrong with you all? I do this Hindenburg of a column every single week, and where does it get me? One place: the city of crippling depression, population -- me.

And why is my life as hideous as it is, despite the fact that I seemingly have it all? Again, I blame you people. You see, every week I have to partake in the saddest activity I have ever taken part in. I have to slog through all the messages left on the Gripe Line answering machine.

This may not seem like a very demanding task, and it isn’t. But it’s not the work that drives me into the type of deep insanity you’d expect William Faulkner to write about. It’s listening to all the messages. Even after I throw out the gripes that are nothing more but inaudible screams, 10-minute long drunken rants about parking or the classic “I forgot what I was going to say,” I still have to put up with total garbage from you people.

People call the Gripe Line with inside jokes that maybe five people on campus would understand, and even those people probably wouldn’t think those jokes are very funny.

Nothing is more depressing than someone trying really hard to be funny and completely failing. I know that I don’t have to tell you people that. Provided you read my column on a regular basis, you see someone failing in an attempt to be funny every week.

However, every week at least one person complains about the same thing: Blackhawk Commons. Despite the fact that Blackhawk is much better than last year’s Elmwood Commons, there seems to be a feeling among students that, (as stated in last week’s Gripe Line) "Blackhawk should really invest in some fucking flavor."

I’m not sure how one would go about investing in flavor, but I think what that mental titan was trying to convey is that he feels the food being served at Blackhawk is not up to his high culinary standards. And because every week I get to hear "Blackhawk sucks! Ha ha, yeah, and so does parking! Go Greek!" coming from an answering machine, there must be a large number of students who feel this way. Unless it’s the same person leaving the same message every week.

And because the students are the ones who are forking over a small fortune to be here, there may be some validity in the idea that students should dictate what food gets served in the commons. I don’t mean doing it the right way, by attending USRH Food Committee meetings. I mean doing it the wrong way.

And of course, the wrong way is listening to pinnacles of human perfection who call the Gripe Line. I want University Dining to follow these completely insane suggestions not because I think they’re good ideas.

Hell, my readers don’t know anything: They’re all stupid. That’s why they’re reading this garbage. I don’t even read the crap I write; that’s probably one reason it’s so bad. I know that if I had any brains I would be writing about something smart like the economy, or something.

I just want to see someone try to put into effect the terribly unreasonable demands of students. Regardless of what people who call the Gripe Line multiple times at 3 a.m. because they want to add more to their original gripe think, Blackhawk is substantially better than Elmwood was, and it could be a lot worse.

If University Dining actually listened to the majority of the student body, Blackhawk Commons would be torn down and replaced with four McDonald’s and a magical fantasy store where you can buy happy dreams and stupid ideas.

Blackhawk is of an extremely high quality considering its sole purpose is to feed students. If the university really wanted to save money, it would be replaced with a system of tubes inserted down the throat of every student. Three times a day the tubes would release a nutrient mash, similar to what is fed to baboons.

However, the university has instead graced us with an actual building that serves hot, delicious food. Yet students continue to complain about Blackhawk because their jaws get tired after whining about parking so much.

The point is, the student body is as smart as a dishrag, and nobody knows better then me.

Note: I was going to write a rather mellow column this week, considering I’ve advocated physical violence a lot recently. However, last week’s Gripe Line was intolerable. You people really do make me sick.