Apparently some guy named Atkins has discovered the secret to losing weight, and that secret is to eat enormous shanks of dripping, red meat until your heart explodes. This apparently must be perfectly logic because, although this seems psychotically illogical to me, people are paying a pirate's ransom for any block of condensed rodent fat so long as it's Atkins approved.

Now, I'm sure there's more to this diet than just "eat as much meat as you want," but if it was just as complicated as any other diet, it would be followed with the caveat of "combined with regular exercise," and if the Atkins diet was like that then nobody would waste their time trying to do it.

We, as lazy Americans, are always looking for the easiest way out that involves the least amount of work. People might want to lose weight, as that would mean they wouldn't have to bring a lawn chair to the movie theater because their gigantic hips don't fit in the seats, but only if it means they don't have to miss the Dr. Phil show or an re-run they have only seen twice of some show which plays security camera footage of convenience-store robberies.

Which is why the Atkin's diet is so freaking popular. Whether or not they're right, people think "Wow! I eat nothing but meat and don't do any exercise and I lose weight? Well, that's exactly what I always wanted to do!"

I may not know where I am at any given time, but I really can't see how an infinite amount of meat results in weight loss. On the contrary, I'd think it would be the other way around. But somehow people on the Atkin's diet say that it tricks your body into thinking you aren't hungry any more so that you eventually want to eat less than you normally would.

The Atkin's diet tricks your body by completely filling you with meat until you have eaten so much meat that you don't want to eat anything else. Which would work in theory, except there's this thing called "defecation" which is when the body realizes it has been duped and evacuates all that meat you ate. Then it's time to eat more meat.

Oh sure, it looks like it really works when you lose a few pounds, but just wait until you autopsy in eight years when the coroner determines your cause of death to be suffocation on account of an enormous pork-blockade in your windpipes, as well as every single other hole, crevice, tube and otherwise wasted space in your body.

Eating nothing but animal carcasses didn't make all your hideous rolls of lard go away, it just made them run and hide in your arteries, nasal cavity and urethra.

But of course it isn't just meat that is becoming trendy and hip thanks to this exciting new diet. All food items that are low in carbs are apparently Atkins friendly (carbs is, of course, a slang term for "carbuncles").

Since people are now only willing to eat things that contain little or no “carbs,” companies that produce edibles are attempting to make all the food they make carb-free. Now, this is OK when it’s something you would expect to be health food to begin with, like Kentucky Fried Chicken or Taco Bell. But have you noticed that beer commercials are starting to brag about how few carbs they have?

Don’t think that I’m overwhelmed that somebody actually came up with the concept of a diet beer; on the contrary, I’m overwhelmed that somebody stole my idea. I was going to buy a Zeppelin with the fortune I had planned to make with diet beer. Screw you, Atkins.