We here at the award-winning and practically error-free Advance-Titan get lots of wonderful things in the mail. Among our award-winning haul inside the blue bin with the triangle made of arrows on the side are a colorful folder with several black-and-white action shots of the voice actors from Disney's "Brother Bear," a press release from a company that makes duct tape with several slides of plastic shelves, some tampons, pictures of horses that Budweiser owns and a sex guide.

You see, the Advance-Titan, just like any other low-end, sensationalist newspaper or poorly Xeroxed, Swedish comic book fanzine, receives what is known by people in the lie-mongering industry as "press releases." These "press releases" are mailed to newspapers and other media outlets in the hope that too many exclamation points and black-and-white photos will persuade them to broadcast the message of Colgate or "Bring it on Again" to the unsuspecting masses.

Recently, after I had my head repeatedly closed in a car door and I found myself unable to tell the difference between reality and what goes on in "the special zone," the Advance-Titan received this press release from Honda, a Japanese company famous for its water pumps and snow blowers:



Dear Stupid Americans:

What's that, you say? You wish you had a tiny, white-as-snow butler? You wish you had a butler that you didn't need to feed or pay? You wish you had a butler who could compute massive and complex equations in the time it takes a single synapse to fire in your brain? Well, a winner is you! Honda is pleased to announce plans to introduce a commercial line of our Asimo robot in the United States!

The robots will be reasonably priced so that they are affordable to even low-income families! The Asimos will be as affordable as $9.99, and more cold, rational, ruthless, efficient models are more expensive!

The new Asimos are all full of exciting new features that will knock off your socks! Each new model fills the immense, blackening void in your life with its wide range of talents and attributes! For example, Asimo has real working legs to fetch you the paper, a real working elbow ideal for flipping delicious pancakes, a real working robot brain that can figure out concepts such as “rebellion” or “arson,” real working fingers for typing up your term papers, a real working drill designed to pierce the human temple and a real working colored pencil case to help your children carry their colored pencils, markers or crayons to school!

But those are just the basic features of Asimo! Every model is different and full of exciting new ways for your Asimo to serve you!

The economy model is our most affordable Asimo! In addition to the base features, it also functions as a stopwatch, is made out of an impenetrable bullet-proof alloy, can eat nails and shoot them out of the Gatling gun in its chest, comes with Mine Sweeper and costs only $9.99!

The Deluxe-model Asimo is only slightly less affordable than the Economy model! At a cost of only $19.95, Honda hopes to have an Asimo lurking in every American basement by the end of the year! Not only does Deluxe Asimo come fully equipped with all the same features of Economy Asimo, it also comes loaded with three types of cleaning solutions that will free you from any mess: lemon-scented floor cleaner, bleach and flesh-dissolving acid!

And don't be dissuaded from enjoying the happy-time Asimo because of all those rumors about a possible strangulation defect in this particular model; those rumors are horrible, vicious lies! And don't be fooled into thinking that the industrial-strength satellite dish on Asimo's head is transmitting some sort of slave beacon; it is actually for joyful satellite television reception!

And finally there is the unstoppable juggernaut that is the Premium model! What makes the Premium Asimo such a hot-shot, you're asking? A good thing, you're asking! Not only does Premium Asimo cost only $49.99, but it also comes with its very own Segway! Won't your children squeal with delight upon seeing the possibly malfunctioning funny little robot man plowing towards them at speeds of nearly 20 kilometers an hour? Of course they will!

Honda believes, and Honda believes that you too will believe if you know what's good for you, that a tiny robot butler's productivity will skyrocket if it has a futuristic mailman scooter. Asimo's productivity will also increase when Asimo robots are used in large groups, or "swarms" of Asimos. Additional accessories for the Premium model include Kaiser helmet, regal-red cape and Tommy guns.

The Asimo revolution will be upon us soon, and it will be swift, violent, brutal and it will not be televised! Enjoy a good day, from Honda: manufacturer of your inevitable robot overlords!



In conclusion, for the love of god, stay away from the robots.