Great advancements in hallucinogenic study aides by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the December 15, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
There is pretty much nothing that can be added to the statement, "college kids are snorting Ritalin" that will make it any funnier than it already is. Yet I wrote 1,000 words trying to do that.

How can steroids benefit me personally? by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the December 8, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
Baseball players are pressured into doing something sinister like taking steroids because "steroids = fabulous cash prizes."

Ken Jennings: J'accuse! by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the December 1, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
OK, so I write this while he's still winning, and seriously three days later he loses. So I had to rewrite it, and that's my excuse for it being not good.

Thank god for the RIAA! by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the November 17, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
The RIAA sued a 12-year-old for sharing Mp3s, and was pleased that they were able to settle her case for only $2,000. Needless to say, the little girl cried. Jesus probably cried too. Also, Bambi.

But what do I do if I hate all the candidates? by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the November 3, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
You know what? Voting sucks, and I don't care how much of a loser that makes me or how high on P. Diddy's enemy list that puts me, but this country would be a lot less annoying if an oracle used chicken bones to pick our rulers. I'm just saying is all.

Please don't ruin Halloween by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the October 27, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
Ideally Halloween is supposed to be the best holiday ever, even better than Easter which is amazing because Easter is about Jesus coming back to life as a zombie and that's just awesome. But somehow there are people who have to go and ruin trick or treat by giving kids pennies or something, and I'd like to hope that the lowest ring of hell is reserved for these scumbags.

That's one seriously persuasive sidewalk! by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the October 20, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
OK this might sound bad, and it's not like I'm a real big fan of having a monarchy or anything, but I'm getting kind of sick of the whole democratic process. Seriously, it's the fault of campaign ads. Do you know who doesn't hate democracy? People who supply chalk to college campuses. They must be making a fortune.

Bad movies 7: back in the habit by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the October 13, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is the seventh (obviously) installment of my famous movie-review columns where I reviewed movies I haven't seen by describing what kind of torture I'd rather go through than actually see each movie.

'So what are you doing? Nothing? Yeah I'm just walking to class.' by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the October 6, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
The only time I like it when somebody is walking down the street, talking on a cell phone, is when they're having a vicious argument on said cell phone. You know, where they're threatening the other person and tears of frustration are pouring down their face? That's pretty funny.

'Well I just hope you made enough for the whole class!' by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the September 29, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
In Texas a woman is on paid leave because a first grader pooped in the classroom and she put it in a plastic bag and sent it home with him. Yet even though I knew there was nothing I could add to that scenario to make it any funnier, I tried anyway and came up with about 900-words of poop jokes. Sorry.

Hollywood has finally gone too far by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the September 22, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
Sure, a computer-animated movie starring Will Smith as a funky and fresh fish sounds horrible, but does it sound like something that would be the cause of your night terrors? Oh, it would? Well, what if I said that the Will Smith fish actuall has Will Smith's face? Oh wait, you said yes before didn't you? Well, that just makes it worse. Screw you, Will Smith

I am so sick of Atkins commercials by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the September 15, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is about how every single commercial for some low-carb food item assumes that, if you are part of the low-carb cult, that you are missing said food item as it apparently has a lot of carbs. Also, I really do think that diets shouldn't have logos. Get with the program, Atkins diet.

So you've started the magical voyage that is college by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the September 5, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
I wrote this stupid thing for the first issue of the academic year. It's not a real issue, but rather is some sort of introductory thing for the incoming students, and because of that it is aimed at college freshman. I don't know if I can use that as an excuse for why it's stupid. But if I can, then that's why it's stupid.

What will happen when people get sick of "Will and Grace"? by Chris Becker.
GorillaPirate.com exclusive! Added August 30, 2004
Right now the most popular thing in the world appears to be having sex with butts that are similar to yours and being able to tell when throw pillows don't match the wallpaper of the rooms that they are thrown in. But when people get sick of sodomites, what the hell are they going to adore? I think I have the answer!

How grammar changes a porn store to a Greek diner by Chris Becker.
GorillaPirate.com exclusive! Added August 23, 2004
Grammar doesn't have very many super powers, aside from giving you a D instead of a C on some paper you wrote for freshman English class in high school. It can, however, change the meaning of a store's name from implying that it sells smut to implying that it is owned by immigrants with funny names. All with just a single apostrophe.

An ironic rip-off of a mini-series I watched by ektomage.
GorillaPirate.com exclusive! Added August 10, 2004
Read this touching tribute to GorillaPirate.com, which is honored by being the star of a parody of something I've never heard of called "5ive Days to Midnight." I mean I can assume that "5ive Days to Midnight" is a mini-series, based on certain titular clues in this article. Let's see if the Science Police could have ever figured THAT one out!

Not everbody is trying to copy Maddox by Chris Becker.
GorillaPirate.com exclusive! Added July 27, 2004
Maddox is hilarious, but that doesn't mean everybody who is trying to make funny ha-ha jokes on the information superhighway made a conscious decision to steal Maddox's idea. If you want to read that sentence but stretched out for about 1,400 words, read this article.

Point/Counterpoint: Should newspapers run April Fools' issues" by Chris Becker and Dr. Gary Coll.
Originally appeared in the March 31, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
This appeared in the op/ed page of my newspaper the week that we ran our April Fools' issue. If you want to know which side of the debate I argued, then lets just say that I went without sleep for about a week so I could work on the April Fools' issue.

Lecture halls are the PITS by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the February 18, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
This was a features story I wrote about some of the lecture halls at my school that was originally going to be real serious-like; I was going to interview people, get building informations, talk to janitos, etc. Except, apparently, nobody has real strong opinions of lecture pits. So I was forced to write this crap, and that's my excuse for why it sucks. Enjoy!

About that Xpeditions place ... by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the February 18, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
In the student union at my school, there was this store where you could buy camping equipment and crap like that, and then go on camping trips or whatever. Nobody went there, so they closed it. Now they are going to replace it with a video rental store. So I wrote an editorial about how this proves the students are lazy and whatnot.

Cartoons not sympathetic to the plight of the worker by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the May 12, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
There really was a Maoist newspaper that mysteriously appeared on campus, and this column is a hell of a lot funnier if you read some of the Maoist movie reviews first.

Ignorance as a defense for being a dumbass by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the May 5, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
I wrote this when the Abu Ghraib prison torture scandal thing was relatively breaking news, and thus this was written before it was reported that these idiots were told to torture. Still, my points remain valid; they're still dumbasses.

Movies I'd rather not see by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the April 28, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is the sixth installment of my famous movie-review columns where I reviewed movies I haven't seen by describing what kind of torture I'd rather go through than actually see each movie.

"Beware the Asimo, my son!" by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the April 21, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
The title of this one is a Jabberwocky reference, but I don't think anybody got it because it's not real specific. Also, in case anyone is wondering, we really did get all that stuff in the mail, including a sex guide. Lindsey Walcott wrote a review of it. It was really good. The end.

Commercials that continue to ruin my life by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the April 14, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
Here's an interesting fact: this column was used by several websites about stocks and trading and all that crap because it was considered to be news about Sharper Image. No fooling. I am dead serious about that.

Hatemail is the best invention ever by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the April 7, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
I still haven't got a reply about the secret ninja war between Sweden and Mongolia, but I don't think either country has invented the internet yet so I guess I better just keep waiting.

What the hell is wrong with that Atkins guy by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the March 31, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
I wrote this at like 4 A.M. and in about ten minutes because I was too busy working on our paper's April Fool's issue, yet apparently it was so good that someone from New Zealand sent me hate mail about it.

Commercials are the worst things ever by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the March 24, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
It's true too; commercials are so bad, that I wrote too columns like this one, and I could probably write as many as three more!

What happens in Vegas results in a trip to the VD clinic by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the March 10, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
You know that last little note at the end of this column is true; when you go to Vegas, you get REALLY sick of hearing people say that goddamned catch phrase.

Movie reviews 5: The Search for Spock by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the March 3, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
This is the fifth installment of my famous movie-review columns where I reviewed movies I haven't seen by describing what kind of torture I'd rather go through than actually see each movie. This is also the best one because I reviewed The Passion of The Christ. Here's a hint: it's rating had to do with a furry fetish convention.

A letter from god by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Feb. 25, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
I wrote the letter part of this column months earlier. Then I added the introduction to it to make it seem like it could actually be a real column. I don't think it worked.

The best idea for a movie ever by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Feb. 18, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
OK I know I've done a lot of weird things before but this is one seriously messed up column. What the hell was I thinking?

The Nipplegate crisis claims another victim by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Feb. 11, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
Remember when Janet Jackson's boob popped out during halftime at the Super Bowl and everbody got pissed at her? That sure was funny. Here's a column I wrote about it.

Differential Tuition: What the hell by Chris Becker.
Originally appeared in the Feb. 4, 2004 issue of the Advance-Titan
I wrote a column back when differential tuition was proposed called "Differential tuition: revealed." I wrote this column when it was passed. This one here is better, I swear.