Teen Titans is a horrible, steaming pile of feces. But I mean that in a good way. Although I think saying something is so bad that it's funny has been used so many times that it has completely lost all of it's meaning, Teen Titans truly is so bad that it's funny. In case you haven't noticed all the commercials for this piping hot load on Cartoon Network, Teen Titans is a show that documents the many adventures of a team of teenage super heroes, whose members include a teenage version of Batman's life partner Robin, three people nobody has ever fucking heard of, and a teenage version of some guy named Cyborg, who I remember was an addition to the Super Friends near the end of its run, along with such great heroes as El Dorado and Firestorm, both of whom had powers that were clearly unknown to the writers of the show.
Teen Titans has more typical cliches in it than The Mighty Morphing Power Rangers did, and that's really saying something. Teen Titans is so predictable, any idiot can watch the first thirty seconds and correctly guess the exact way the episode is going to end. Anyone who can't predict exactly how the story is going to unfold five seconds into the show probably isn't allowed to watch cartoons anyway, because all the flashing colors and over-stimulating noises will cause them to swallow their tongue.
This show is going to use every single fucking cartoon cliche that exists. Which means, you WILL be seeing Teen Titan episodes with plots like "the good guys and the bad guys get stranded on an island and have to work together to get off," or "somebody gets shrunk with a shrink ray," or “the good guys are kidnapped by a bad guy whose gimmick is toys, and are forced to fight giant toy soldiers and teddy bears,“ or even "a bad guy and a good guy somehow switch brains, and there's lot's of confusion." I was also going to say that there will be an episode where one of the Teen Titans gets pissed about not being the leader and leaves the group, but returns at the end after it's apparent how much they suck without him. Except somebody told me that's actually the plot of next week's episode.
However, all this "so bad that it's good" crap still doesn't cover up the fact that Teen Titans sucks. There's another 22-minute-long cartoon show about a group of super heroes working together for some strange reason that's much better than this garbage, and that's The Challenge of the Superfriends. From 1973 to 1978, the Superfriends was the king of shows about a group of super heroes who were working together for no reason. Viewers were delighted to see an all-star lineup of super heroes such as Aquaman, Apache Chief, and Hawkman, whose only super power (he could fly!) made him somehow just as useless as Aquaman.
These behemoths of justice were pitted against the Legion of Doom, which was conveniently comprised of all of these super heroes' nemesises. For example, there was Toyman, whose super power were toys, or the Riddler, whose only super power was that he always told the Superfriends what crimes he was going to commit. Or the mighty Scarecrow, whose super power was being extremely flammable. There was also Black Manta, whose power was he was so fucking horrible that he lost to Aquaman on a regular basis.
But getting back to the point of this incoherent garbage which I‘m trying (and failing) to make entertaining, the reason Teen Titans isn’t fit to lick the crud off of the boots of the Superfriends is because, although the Superfriends still uses every single cliche imaginable, it is not nearly as predictable as Teen Titans. In fact, the only thing about the Superfriends that’s predictable is the fact that the Superfriends always win. Superfriends is incredibly unpredictable. But not because it’s good. Superfriends is unpredictable because it’s full of plot holes and fuzzy logic.
You don’t even have to watch an episode of Superfriends to know that it doesn’t make any sense at all. All you have to do is look at list of the characters and it becomes painfully obvious that something is horribly wrong. The Superfriends didn’t need anybody else besides Superman and The Green Lantern, and maybe Wonder Women. Superman can kill people by looking at them or breathing on them. The Green Lantern has a magic ring that can do anything he wants it to. And Wonder Woman is hot.
Obviously, nothing Solomon Grundy or the Toyman can do is even going to come close to stopping Superman, and even if the Toyman builds a yo-yo out of Kryptonite, which is pretty likely to happen since judging from all the Kryptonite Lex Luthor has in every fucking episode they must sell the stuff in bulk at Sam’s Club, the Green Lantern can use his ring to make a giant, green hammer and crush the Toyman’s bones into a fine powder. Yet despite the fact that they were clearly worthless, Aquaman and Hawkman were there.
Nothing in the Superfriends made sense. As previously stated, the show was wildly unpredictable, but that unpredictability was from the fact that it appeared each episode was written in five minutes on the shitter by a writer under extreme deadline pressure. The Legion of Doom always had some incredibly insane plan to take over the world. For example, Bizarro (who was a scientist for some reason) would invent a ray gun that turns all the pies in the world into penguins. Somehow this works and the Legion of Doom gets all the gold in Fort Knox. The Superfriends win when the Flash vibrates his molecules and something happens and Batman, luckily, was carrying a can of penguin repellent in his utility belt.
And this is why Teen Titans isn’t fit to wash the Superfriends’ gentials. While Teen Titans couldn’t be any more predictable if you read the script before you watched it, you can watch an episode of Superfriends and still have no idea what the hell just happened. Although the main reason the Superfriends is so much better is because Robin was voiced by Casey Kasum, whereas the voice of Robin on Teen Titans is done by some guy whose biggest accomplishments in life have been doing the voices of Red Herring on A Pup Named Scooby Doo, Joey McIntyre on The New Kids on the Block TV series, and the South American Planeteer with the Monkey and the ring with the power of “heart” on Captain Planet and the Planeteers. And although Captain Planet is a show which is far superior to Teen Titans, I fucking hate that guy’s voice.