Power Rangers Used to be Good

by Captain Robo

I was in first grade when Power Rangers appeared on the airwaves. It was undoubtedly the coolest thing around at the time. After all, what could be more appealing to the eyes of a child than five brightly colored teenagers kicking ass in giant robots? When I watched Power Rangers, it felt like an acid trip, and I didn’t even know what acid was. However, whenever I try to reminisce back to my younger days, I can’t help but realize just how screwed up everything I used to like has become:

For example, consider Cartoon Network. I used to be a straight Nickelodeon viewer before Cartoon Network came out. I remember discovering CN for the first time: I switched the channel, and there was Dexter’s Lab, in all its former glory. Fast-forward nine years: Cartoon Network, and unfortunately even Dexter’s Lab, all fucking BLOW.
Also ruined, is the concept of video gaming. Back in the days of classic gaming, NES – Nintendo 64, the games were awesome and challenging to beat. I STILL have not beaten some of my “old sprite games” on my Genesis. However, all these next generation systems churn out boring remakes of old titles. I swear, no boss in the entirety of The Legend of Zelda: Windwaker can compare to Jafar, from the Aladdin video game, as far as difficulty is concerned. There’s also Vectorman, a kickass game that only a few people have actually had the time to beat, worldwide. Don’t even get me started on how much Emulation and save-states have screwed gaming in the cornhole.
And then there’s…

Hey wait a minute, this article is supposed to be about Power Rangers! Okay, well back on track.

Perhaps the most painful reminder of how bad things have gotten is the continued bastardization of the Power Rangers franchise. I’m supposing that most of you were all alive during the heyday of the original Power Rangers, so I’m not even going to waste time saying how awesome it was. The appeal of Power Rangers was not in the storyline or the plot (I didn’t even know there WAS a plot until I saw a website a few minutes ago while looking for pictures), but in the fights! There isn’t a kid alive who wouldn’t want to see a villain get his ass handed to him by some giant attack from an equally giant robot. However, as time went on, the show just got worse and worse, until it reached its current state of utter suckiness.

Part of the reason why Power Rangers got so damn bad, is that the show kept changing forms every fucking second. The first series, “Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” was the best, bar-none. However, after realizing how popular the show had become, the producers decided to release a movie, which was pretty good, because it was, after all, Power Rangers.

The movie, in turn, introduced a new series of the show, in which there were new Zords and new villains, yet we were still stuck with that screaming faggot of a robot, Alpha 5. In retrospect, I realize that the original Alpha 5 rules more than any of the Power Rangers series past Zeo, and I fucking hate Alpha. If the series had stayed the same from the movie, I can honestly say that it would have ruled to this very day. The concept of changing the show once, as in, new zords, weapons, etc; is good, but when you change the series a billion times, as they did, it becomes LAME.

From there, the show turned into Zeo, the last “good” series. I don’t remember much of it, but the Zords were replaced with freaky geometrically shaped robots that looked like something out of a Pink Floyd song. Aside from that, shit blew up and villains died, that’s about all I know.

The next big flop in Power Rangers history comes when the producers try, yet again, to milk the franchise. “Power Rangers: Turbo, the Movie” is released, and as anyone with half a brain stem that had the misfortune of seeing the movie can tell you, it fucking sucked. Yes, I did see this miserable waste of filmstrip, but believe me, I was forced . In this movie, many travesties are committed: such as the replacing of Billy the homogay Blue Ranger with Faggot Fuckface, the 10 year old. Furthermore, the original Jason and Kimberly make cameo appearances in this movie, only to be “rescued” by the new faggot Rangers.

If the movie wasn’t bad enough, they had to continue the “Turbo” storyline, and it is at this point that I stopped watching the show altogether. I had never watched it religiously since the onset of the first movie, but now, I quit watching it completely.

From what I heard, however, Turbo included the replacement of the Zords with… cars.

Fucking cars!? What’s kickass about cars?! Let me ask you: What’s cooler, a bunch of robot dinosaurs ruining people’s shit or a gang of flamboyantly colored cars driving around? The cars didn’t even make for a decent fight scene, I mean, how can cars fight at all!? They didn’t even run over the villains or hit them up in a drive-by. No, the cars just drove around and formed the megazord, which made the show extremely boring.

Back in the old days, the Power Rangers would sometimes attempt to take on the bad guy WITHOUT forming the Megazord, and this was the kind of episode that you HOPED to see. If giant robots turn you on, go watch some Big O, you fag; but there’s just something about a Mastadon, Triceratops, and T-Rex kicking a Giant Eyeball Monster’s ass that makes life all worthwhile.

After Turbo, I didn’t think it was possible, but the series sunk to even greater lows when it transitioned from storyline to storyline. These dark ages in Power Rangers history I viewed only from the commercials, which stated just how weaktastic the show had become. From these commercials, I discern that the Power Rangers somehow got lost in space, blah blah, whatever, nobody cares, and they’re finally gone from earth.

However, even something as craptastically bad as Power Rangers has hopes of being resurrected, and yes, I do have something up my sleeve. I would immediately retract everything bad I’ve said about the show if Bulk, Skull, and Ernie once again made regular appearances. I swear to God, these were the best characters on the entire show. If the actor who played Bulk didn’t have a heart attack, and if he didn’t eat Skull, they should be resigned to the show immediately before it’s too late to save the franchise’s sinking fat ass.

Thus concludes my dissertation of Power Rangers history and how the show came to be just so damn bad.

Now for some pictures!