I feel as if I've just been cheated.
For the last two and a half hours, I sat in a theater with my parents and watched this horrible abortion of a movie because they thought I would like it. This movie was so excruciatingly horrible, that they should make a movie of me watching it, and call it: The Passion of the Robo. It was just that painful to see.
I have been behind enemy lines and suffered at their hands. I have returned in order to warn you all to bring some form of anesthetic should you ever see even the smallest clip from Kill Bill 2.
With that said, on with the review.
From what I discern, the (incredibly weak) storyline goes like this: some former assassin bitch gets knocked up, and as a result, her boss tries to murder her because he's so crazy in love with her at the same time W/E 
. HOWEVER, something goes horribly wrong and she's ALIVE, and swears revenge and starts killing people. She kills so many people that she gets arrested, convicted, and ELECTROCUTED IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR! BUT SURPRISE TWIST, BILL IS THE EXECUTIONER, AND SHE BREAKS FREE BECAUSE SHE'S SO PISSED OFF, BUT HE PUTS A BULLET IN HER FACE BECAUSE SHE'S A DUMB BITCH.
Oh I'm sorry, that's just what SHOULD have happened
In the first few minutes of the movie, she tries to kill someone, but when she opens the door of his trailer, he BLOWS HER AWAY WITH HIS SHOTGUN 
At that point I was all like "YEAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
But NO, apparently the dumbass hick who shot her (OMG PLOT TWIST: HE'S BILL'S BROTHER) forgot to load buckshot in the shotgun, replacing it with nonlethal rock salt, so she's still alive (DAMMIT 
). So the dumbass hillbilly decides to bury her ass alive, so once again, I'm all like "HELL YEAH 
".
But OH NO, when she's in the grave, she remembers her "Training" with this old chinese geezer who teaches her martial arts. This was just about the only part in the movie I liked, because the old guy was a fucking badass. At one part, he even remarked, "YOU CLAIM PROFICIENCY IN THE 'EXQUISITE ART OF THE SAMURAI SWORD'? FUCK YOU AND YOUR SO-CALLED ART. FUCK THE JAPANESE. I HATE THE FUCKING JAPS!" I was like "Loo, but you're still a chink "
So anyway, she punches her way out of the grave ( W/E) and tracks down the guy who did it, decapitates an entire village and plucks out a one-eyed-girl's remaining eye.
Then she goes to Kill Bill and then SURPRISE! HER LONG LOST DAUGHTER IS ALIVE OMG! SHE'S SO SURPRISED THAT SHE DOESN'T KILL BILL!
Then she spends some quality time with her daughter in the most boring fucking dialogue sequence I've ever seen. Yes, this even sinks below "The Matrix" in shitty dialogue. Afterwards, she finally kills Bill with something called the "Five Fingered Exploding Heart" ( ) that she learned from the old chink.
Apparently, once you've been hit with the "Five Fingered Exploding Heart", you die if you take more than five steps. Of course, being the dumbfuck that she is, she does this to Bill while he's sitting down. He gets all whiny like a little bitch and they start chatting, reminiscing, and catching up on old times. Afterwards, Bill gets up and takes five steps, then keels over. Movie is over, thank God, cut to Uma Thurman laughing maniacally and crying like a little baby. Her massarchistic daughter is not even phased by the death of her father, who turned out to be BILL (OMG PLOT TWIST OMG OMG).
In case you didn't read that (and frankly, I don't blame you), here's a picture summary of the movie.
In case you didn't care to watch those, this is a very concise summary of how much Kill Bill sucks
