HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE INTERNET. You couldn't have picked a better page to visit first. Good ol' Uncle Esuohlim (ME) will take you through a guided tour of what the Internet has to offer. I MIGHT EVEN TALK ABOUT PORN. OMG! So sit back and relax, and the tour bus isn't a fucking bathroom, so go in the plastic bags provided. >:(
LESSON 1: IS THE INTERNET FOR YOU?
There are some people that can't use the Internet. If you match any of the following critera described, then it is illegal for you to use the Internet. You could go to jail, or you could even go to a Nazi-powered World War II concentration camp (WHETHER YOU'RE JEWISH OR NOT). So, yeah, Jewish people can't use the Internet. If your name has a "stein" or "berg", then it is against the law for you to be reading this. And for the Muslims, Allah punishes you severely in the afterlife for even mentioning the Internet or even anything invented in the last 1000 years. AS FOR JAPS, THEY CAN ONLY GO ON THE INTERNET FOR DISTRIBUTING THEIR BIZARRE AND TWISTED JAP PORNOGRAPHY. Anyone of the female gender can go on the Internet only for Instant Messanger or Email, BUT NOTHING ELSE! The entire Eastern Hemisphere doesn't even know what the Internet is, so we can rule them out. Canadians are fags, so they can't go on either. Anyone that lives in a retirement home or Florida will be sentenced to death for Internet use. If you haven't been mentioned, then you can use the Internet!
LESSON TWO: WHAT NOT TO DO ON THE INTERNET
DISREGARD THIS LESSON IF YOU AREN'T ALLOWED ON THE INTERNET. SERIOUSLY, GET THE FUCK OFF. Now then, before you get over excited and sperm all over your pants, there are some websites that one should NEVER EVAR visit. Anything relating to jokes.com or funnypictures.com is a completely retarded way to use the Internet. Jokes and pictures that are intended to be funny are never funny on the Internet. Ever. Also, do not, under any circumstances, go to any website advertised anywhere on TV, radios, or magazines. I WILL PERSONALLY COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BEAT YOU ABOUT THE NECK AND SHOULDER AREA WITH A LEAD PIPE. I WOULD PROBABLY DO IT ANYWAY, REGARDLESS. ALSO, IF YOU HAPPEN TO REGISTER AT A MESSAGE BOARD, THERE ARE SOME MAJOR "NETIQUETTE" DON'TS TO FOLLOW:
#1: NEVER WRITE IN CAPS ON THE INTERNET
#2: ALWASY SPELL THINGS THE RIHGT WAY ON TEH INTRANET
#3: SMLIIES ARE A GOOD WYA TO DSECRIBE FEELINSG ON ETH INTERNET :):(:D>:D:>(:(:)>::ROLEYES
#4: NEVER BE A FAGROT ADN USE OFFFENSIVE LANGUAGE ON TEHE INTRINENT >:()(:>:(:anrgys
#5: NEVER "FLAME" THE FAGGOTS ON THE INTERNET
LESSON THREE: WHAT YOU SHOULD ALWAYS DO ON THE INTERNET. ALWAYS
-ALWAYS go to porn and secks sites every day (gaysecks makes Jesus cry)
-ALWAYS talk about anime and use smilies like ^_^ or o_O to show how Japanese you are
-ALWAYS go to chat rooms with user names like "BuffMcMuscles" or "BitchAssShutTheFuckUpCuntBitchCunt" to show how badass or tough you are on the Internet
-ALWAYS go to MTV.com and download the latest Jennifer Lopez single.
-ALWAYS go to video game sites and read up on how the latest games have the best graphics
FOLLOW THIS ADVICE AND YOU'LL BE A SAVVY INTERNET WIZ IN NO TIME.
LESSON FOUR: OH WAAHHH, I WANT TO MAKE A WEBSITE, BUT I SUCK TOO MUCH TO THINK OF MY OWN IDEAS. WHAT SHOULD I PUT IN MY WEBSITE?
Some of the best websites are the ones that include news about your day that would be interesting to you and your only friend. Be sure to add some inside jokes and how much your fingerpainting class sucks. Also, don't hesitate to throw in some stuff like "I HATE JIM SO MUCH HE SUCKS AND HE IS A FUCKING FAG AND I WANT HIM TO DIE 'CAUSE HE SUCKS AND I'M BETTER THAN HIM IN MAGIC CARDS AND HE DIDN'T LET ME BORROW HIS SMASH MOUTH CDS YESTERDAY" to keep your loyal visiters on their toes.
Also, putting a million ClipArt and GIF images and movie clips on one page is definately the way to go. I MEAN HOW CONVENIENT IS THAT, TO HAVE EVERYTHING ON ONE PAGE. EVERYONE WILL APPRECIATE IT.
Providing absolutely no content is smart too, since you want your fans to come back to the same old nothing every day. Be sure to make half of an index page and never go back to finish it again.
LESSON SIX: WHOOPS LOL, THERE ISN'T A LESSON FIVE. OH WELL. THIS IS THE CONCLUSION. >:(
Well there you have it, if you've made it this far then you're ready to take on the Internet and live it to the fullest. LOL THE INTERNET SUCKS, DON'T EVEN GO ON IT ANYWAY. SERIOUSLY, THE INTERNET IS FOR DUMB FATCUNTS. DO ME A FAVOR AND JIZZ ALL OVER THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE INTERNET FOR ME THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE HIM. THANKS.