"Terminator 3", "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen", and the "Kill Bills": three select wastes of filmstrip that I've had the great displeasure of seeing.
However, I just returned from what is possibly the shittiest movie ever made-- a movie SO bad, it even made the popcorn taste rancid.
I saw this movie for one main reason: I knew it was going to be shitty, and I wanted to write an article about it--though at the time, I had no idea of just HOW badly it was going to suck. Sure I could just bullshit about the movie and make stuff up, but it's only when you lampoon the film in every respect that you truly piss off the fans.
Besides, there will be time to bullshit later.
The movie starts off with some random guy, played by Jet Li, going to the palace of the Chinese Emperor to recieve some great honor or something like that. Apparently, Mr. Random had killed three assassins that had made previous attmepts to kill the emperor. He sits down a hundred paces from the emperor, and begins to tell him about the first guy he killed.
Cut to a sidestory, with some fruit holding a spear fighting off ten guys. He blows them all away with a Kamehameha that he shoots from his feet and then drinks their blood. Enter Jet Li. They fight a bit, and then Jet Li does this:
Jet Li, and other characters will do this a lot during the film. He'll start screaming, and then do a flying jump at the hapless victim while pointing his sword in their direction. For some reason, this technique works really well and he kills like everyone with it. Personally, if you're too stupid to get out of the way if you see a pointy object plowing towards you in slow motion, you deserve to die, you brainless fuck.
The emperor is impressed by Hero's bullshit story, and lets him come fifty paces closer to him.
Hero continues to bullshit about more assassins he killed. He talks about how he dressed up like a fag and went down to this city to track down two assassins who were currently undercover at a Calligraphy school. However, the Emperor's army shows up and decides to shoot some arrows at the Bamboo huts in this particular city.
They shoot like a billion arrows but the Calligraphy master guy refuses to move from his spot, just sitting there like a retard, drawing in the sand. His students choose to do the same, as they are mowed down by the onslaught of swift justice.
Hero, however, goes Keanu on the arrows, and the lady assassin he's supposed to kill joins him.
They do this for about half an hour.
The lady moves back and forth, while Hero does backflips. Somehow, this deflects arrows.
After the army stops shooting arrows, and everyone but Hero, the lady, and the other assassin are dead, Hero tells the guy assassin that his lady friend was cheating on him. So he cheats on her, and she knifes him in the back like the cunt she is. Then she fights some other chick, and Hero guts her clean after that, again, doing this:
But surprise surprise! The Emperor tells Hero that his story is bullshit and reveals that Hero is actually an assassin. After about four variations on the story I just told, the movie flies completely off the handle and becomes impossible to follow. In a way, Hero can be likened to the movie Clue, as they show no less than twenty variations on an uninteresting story: "This is how it could have happened", "This is how it might have happened", "BUT THIS IS HOW IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED OMG". So from this point on, I'm going to make shit up.
Hero charges the emperor in one last ditch attempt to complete his mission and avenge the deaths of his parents and dog. But the Emperor uses his laser eyes to light him ON FIRE!
Hero writes in agony, to the delight of all, but then starts doing his patented arrow-dodging technique in order to quell the flames.
He uses his famous charge attack on the emperor, but the Emperor counterattacks by shooting a missile straight at Hero's head and starts sucking his brains out!
Hero somehow gets free and somewhere during this time, he rapes a cat
Clearly beaten, Hero has no other option but to engage the emperor in a pseudo-intellectual discussion on the philosophies of peace. Hero lays down his sword and the Emperor's army turns him into a pincushion. Quickly cut to some other unimportant characters undergoing a looong death sequece with lots of screaming and crying and entirely in slow fucking motion.
I swear this entire film was in slow motion wtf.
In conclusion, don't see Hero. If you're being held at gunpoint and given two options- See Hero, or eat a bullet, for the love of God help them pull the trigger. If you're in the car with some friends, and they suggest going to see Hero, open the door and barrel yourself out of the car, because they aren't your friends, they're Asians in disguise.
I can't even look at an Asian person now without the hideos, pockmarked, close-up visage of Jet Li's face being pulled over their own, and I seriously feel like vomiting. It was better when I saw them as bug-eyed anime characters.
In conclusion, Asians may be good at everything else, but they fucking suck at entertainment. Nobody's perfect no matter how hard you try.
Disclaimer: I'm not a racist. I just think Asian entertainment is of lower calibur than the shittiest shit Hollywood could ever produce. I hear they're really good at Math and video games though.