Gumby:
I hate Gumby. I utterly abhor Gumby. Gumby signs the fall of civilization. Gumby IS the Antichrist. I'm not to fond of Gumby. Why do I hate Gumby, here's why: Gumby is nude. It's easy to see Gumby doesn't need pants because he has no visible genitailia. You can also see this in Gumby's father, Gumbo, so you know it's not just that green asshole's problem. This raises this question: How was Gumby born? If all the males of this hideous species, we shall call them Gums, have no penises there's only one viable answer: Something else was banging Mrs. Gumby. Now we can assume that all the male Gums are utterly useless and are probably used for slave labor. What other species is impregnating the female Gums? We can only assume the species looks somewhat like the males except with more male qualities. I guess it can be a good think Gumby/Gumbo doesn't has a penis, then the thought would never arise about what it would be like if Gumbo had sex with Mrs. Gumby, Mrs. Gumbo sounds weird, like some kind of gumbo making kit. I don't like to think about claymated sex...Another thing...Mrs.. Gumby has triangle shaped breasts...her head is round...but her breasts are shaped sort of like Gumby/Gumbo's head is shaped...Another thing: Why is Gumbo the only one working at the fire department? Why is there only one truck? If I lived in the Gumby world I'd be setting fire to everything...And if other things work there, why don't they mind when Gumbo drives the fire truck to his house, maybe they want the Gumby world to be destroyed as much as me. The Gumby world, what exactly is the Gumby world and how did it come to be created? Was there an explosion at a clay and toy factory? Do they have religion in the Gumby world? Do they believe they were created by some mystical play-dough mold? Is there an atlas? Why would they need one it seems there's only a few locations with scary looking toys in between those locations. What else is happening in the Gumby world, or is what we see what there is? Why does the whole world revolve around Gumby? Is he their messiah? WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE DO THAT TO THEMSELVES? Sorry...I got a little out of control there... Also, why is Gumby/Gumbo immortal? They get hit with things, have things thrown through them, the fall on things. Why don't they die? Is it possible...that this is Hell? Is the Gumby world a reflection of what hell is like? Is that why the don't die? They're stuck in everlasting torment? It's not a show...it's a warning....
Pac-Man: AKA The Gumby Essay part II:
Obscene amounts of wrongness.
Pac-Man. One of the first games and it's great. Little round thing with a slice out of it goes through a maze and gobbles up fruit and small yellow dots while being chased by ghosts. There's also a Mrs. Pac-Man but we'll get to her later. I'm interested in knowing what those yellow dots are exactly, are they smaller Pac-people? Is Pac-Man a cannibal or possibly some futuristic form of law enforcement sent to keep the unruly masses from rioting, and the ghosts are biological weapons created by sympathizers of the revolution. What kind of sick fuck is Pac-Man, eating his own kind, but he atleast he eats healthy. His own people...AND cherries! I'd also like to point out the Pac-Man is most likely going to Hell for extremely gluttony and the ghosts are going to Hell for being ghosts. Now I'd like to discuss Mrs. Pac-Man. First off the original Mrs. Pac-Man looks like a cross-dressing Senor Pac-Man. In some newer version you'll see Mrs. Pac-Man wearing pink boots and lipstick in addition to her pink bow, Mr Pac-Man has red boots, which leads me to think the Mans...why is Mrs. Pac-Man, Pac-Man, shoudln't she be Mrs. Pac-Woman...wait...she probably just took Mr. P's name...it leads me to think that the Mans have a boot fetish. There's also a little Pac-Man baby...which raises the time honored question: WHAT THE HELL? First off the Pacs are round yellow things, in that yellow sphere they need to fit organs, I'm guessing some are excluded, possibly the liver, although if my wife looks exactly like me except with make-up I'd probably drink a lot..., where's the room for a Pac-Fetus? I would kill myself if I ever saw Mrs. P pregnant. Secondly, the other time honored question: HOW THE HELL? The legless versions of the Pacs had them gliding around the ground, which makes external and even internal genitalia almost impossible...Here's an example: Mr. Pac-Man is gliding along, gobbling up yellow dots to become even more of a fat porker. He's not watching where's he going because those ghosts are after him. He starts going faster, paranoia building. Uh-Oh! He thinks he sees one and panics, it's actually a blue sheet hung out to dry. And then...BAM! He glides over a rock taking off his lower parts and he begins bleeding excessively. Very painful, so it wouldn't make much sense, especially since neither Mr or Mrs. P wear clothing, except for boots the only logical choice of clothing since they both probably had very ugly shins and webbed feet. Internal devices would probably become dirty after awhile, especially while being chased by ghosts and eating yellow dots and cherries on dirt roads. Pac-Sex seems just impossible...Both of them are yellow spheres, roughly the same size...Now unless Mr. P is naturally well endowed or has some Pac-Implants he won't be able to reach Mrs. P...So my conclusion is that Pac-Baby is adopted. I have a feeling that the lack of Pac-Lovin' at home takes it toll on poor Mrs. Pac-Man, this is supported by a game called something like 'Mrs. Pac-Man Mazes' or 'Mrs. Pac-Man's Maze Craze' something...She has a husband, who's eyes are quite obviously stenciled on his giant yellow head, which also means he's blind and can locate yellow dots psychically...or however it's spelled..., at home and a child who's not here's. Mr Pac-Man probably has a drinking problem and smokes marijuana for medicinal purposes. So she escapes by going on adventures in a maze...Instead of masturbating like a normal person..or Pac...but maybe... even Mrs. Pac-Man can't even reach...I guess if I were in her situation I'd do the natural thing and go on maze adventures...The entire Pac Family is a bunch of unwholesome freaks...And people think Grand Theft Auto is bad...