My Review of Every Gamecube Game I Have
Yes that's right folks, another update that has nothing to do with Adult Swim. Why the hell did I ever say that this webpage would be about Adult Swim? Who knows, it's not important now. This webpage is about something that you as internet users should be quite familiar with, video games. I used to like video games. I used to love video games. And all my life the only company whose systems I'd even consider playing was: Nintendo. All I had was Nintendo. I was a wee one, about five or six years old when I first got the Nintendo Entertainment System, or as the cool kids called it, the Nintendo. I got the big grey square system, two rectangle controllers, each equipped with four buttons and a D-pad, an orange light zapper gun, and a huge ass mat of rubber that you were supposed to run on. Everyone knows this as "the feet thing". And to top it off, I also got one cartridge with three games on it. Super Mario Bros., Duck Hunt, and the running game. I couldn't have been happier. When I was a kid I didn't know shit about video games. I bought whatever game looked good. I had Yo Noid! and Home Alone and all kinds of crap that I'd never buy today. But I didn't care. I never hated a game. As long as it was a video game, I was happy with it. And then, on one Friday night, the cast of Family Matters or some other TGIF show debuted the Super Nintendo Entertainment System. I had to have it. I was still too young to know jack shit about video games so once I got the Super NES I bought crap like The Addams Family and Clue (I'm serious) and I loved it all. Then I got older and wiser and started reading a little thing called Nintendo Power which was where I learned about the single greatest invention in the history of mankind, the Nintendo Ultra 64. Yes, fuck the Super NES or any other shit, N64 was and still is the greatest video game system of all time. I had to have every game on it. Mario 64, Zelda 64, Pilotwings 64, all of it looked so good. I had to have it. And have it I did. Now that I was a Nintendo Power reader, I only bought the big name games. No more buying Home Improvement (which is a real SNES game), I was all about the big name franchises. The years passed and my Nintendo 64 and me shared hours of joy, fun, frustration and growth, and I learned about the Nintendo Dolphin. The months passed and then I figured out that it was actually called the Nintendo Gamecube. Then more months passed and I got to see what it actually looked like. A big purple square. Ok, no problem, it's about the games, right? A few more months passed and I got to see what the controller looked like. And then it was just a few months before the Gamecube was actually released and I got to see some of the actual games on the Gamecube. Nothing too exciting. Even though I wasn't nearly as excited about the Nintendo Gamecube as I was about the N64, I still had to own it the day it came out. Which led me into the most disappointing moment of my video gaming life. So, for those who plan on buying a Gamecube, I've written a completely honest and un-biased review of every game I have for that system (yes I did copy this from something on X-Entertainment so don't point that out to me like a dickhead).
I got Luigi's Mansion on launch day with the Gamecube, just because I was a Nintendo fanboy and this was Nintendo's "big launch game". I was immediately impressed by the graphics. Then I started playing the game. Boring repetive tasks, walking across a mansion again and again trying to catch ghosts. You can't jump or do anything that the Mario series is known for, you just catch ghosts again and again. The last ghost you catch is just as hard as the first. The replay value? Try to beat the game AGAIN in the "secret" mansion that is exactly the same as the first. What was the point of this game? Basically, Nintendo realized that they didn't have any popular franchise character games at launch, and Shigeru Miyamoto's daughter watched Scooby-Doo that day, and the Nintendo Marketing Department noticed that they haven't made a Luigi game in a while, so that's why this game exists. I beat the game twice in a week and then barely touched it again. Ok, Luigi's Mansion wasn't great, but at least it could tide me over until I got the good games, like Zelda and Mario, right? RIGHT???
I got this game for Christmas. It ends up being a lot like every game Nintendo made for the Gamecube, all style, no substance. It's the Charlie's Angels: The Movie of video games, good if you want to see 90 minutes of eye candy, sucks if your expecting something decent. I wasn't, I was just expecting a story-less barely updated version of Super Smash Bros. for N64, and that's what I got. Nothing more. There were a bunch of "secrets" and cheat codes to look for, but those were all too hard to get and by then I'd already given up on the game. It's all flash, you might as well buy Fantavision.
WARNING: this is where the page just becomes a carbon-copy of shit I already said on the ASMB, and since no one who doesn't read the ASMB reads this website, don't read this. This is it, Nintendo's new Mario game, the game I've been waiting for ever since I got the Gamecube! I bought this at the store the day it came out, the first game I bought since the Gamecube launched, and... it sucks?? No, no no no, it doesn't suck, look at the water graphics, look at Mario's new jetpack! Oh wow, Mario is back, and with a new accesory to boot! No, this game doesn't suck! I managed to convince myself of that for about a week, which was about as long as it took until this game was on my shelf collecting dust. About a month or two after that, I picked up the game and said, "I wonder why I never play this game," I put it in the Gamecube, and OH YEAH! THAT'S WHY I NEVER PLAY THIS GAME, IT FUCKING SUCKS! The most disappointing game EVER MADE. This game is so bad, it wouldn't even make my Top 50 Worst Games list, that's how bad it is. All style, no substance. Mario's storyline and background is entirely discarded as Miyamoto decides to try his water effects on a public that's more than willing to pay $50 for shit like this. The game is polished up, rushed to stores, everyone buys it and, much like Simpsons fans, refuse to believe that a cartoon character they've loved for so long can truly truly suck. It could have just as easily been "Super Horatio Sanz Sunshine" because Mario is only there as a tool. This game destroyed all my faith in Nintendo and in video games.
The two best games currently available for any current console system. These are games made by people who genuinely want to make good games, and it shows. The original Tony Hawk's Pro Skater was one of the most innovative games of all time, and the series just got better and better as time went on. People are quick to complain about how all the games have the same gameplay, but who cares? If the gameplay is good, why change it? The last two Tony Hawk games have been better than anything Nintendo was able to shit out for the Gamecube so far, why should they add a jetpack to Tony Hawk's back just for the sake of saying that it's different? I'd rather play a barely-updated version of Tony Hawk 4 than play some piece of shit with Mario's face on the box that has nothing to do with Mario whatsoever. I am completely confident in saying that the Tony Hawk series is better than anything else on the Gamecube.
Nintendo has become all style and no substance. Sure they may have the most realistic water or the best cel-shading capabilities money can buy, but to me it's all worthless if the game isn't good. I'm not saying that I just hate Nintendo, I hate them all. PS2, Xbox, all of them can go eat it. I'm done with video games in general. Pretty much all of video gaming has become about style and graphics with zero thought in the game or level design. I can't give a shit about which system is online or anything like that. Look at the new Zelda game. I've never played it, and I have no intentions of playing it. Like Mario Sunshine, it appears that Nintendo is depending entirely upon the fame of its title character and new graphical technologies. I probably won't buy anymore games for Gamecube anymore unless new Tony Hawk games are made. Go get a Nintendo 64 if you want good games, and also get Yuke Yuke Trouble Makers.