Why Fraternities Suck

There are a lot of stupid people who belong to a lot of stupid organizations. Take PETA, for example. One of PETA's many foibles is that they don't want people to drink milk, because they claim it's cruel to cows. Although consider this: A cow looks just like a mutant horse, except it has a big breast on it's crotch, and hanging down from said breast are four dicks. The first caveman to discover milk not only drank the white liquid that came out of these crotch-tit-cocks, but had to convince all the other cavemen that it was a good idea. In that sense, milk is sort of fucked up.

That doesn't mean PETA is ever right about anything. But at least you can sort of try and rationalize that messed-up thought process and see things through the eyes of a Baldwin. However, some things just can't be explained until they make sense, unless it's 2 in the afternoon and you're already plastered. Of course, I'm talking about fraternities, which are also known as the stupidest fucking things ever.

Here's the only benefit in joining a fraternity: it might be slightly cheaper to live with a fraternity than it would be to find other off-campus housing. That's pretty much it. Unless you enjoy sharing a house with 15 other dick heads who do more shots of whiskey on any given day than the total number of times they go to class all year. But if that's your idea of a good time, you don't deserve to live anyway. You should be shot in the face, you mother fucking waste of bone.

Before I launch into my prolonged diatribe as to why fraternities and all their members are all at least mildly retarded, here's one caveat: I really don't care about sororities because sororities aren't nearly as bad as fraternities. Although sororities still suck and are, for the most part, all composed of drunken harpies, they don't complain as much when they get criticized as fraternities do.

Also, I'm sure not all fraternities are all drunken tree sloths with one token fatass and one token minority. I’m sure there are plenty of frats with names like Algebra House, and they spend their Friday nights arguing whose turn is it to run the pen and paper role playing game and smoking the 60 percent of a cigarette one of them found in the ash tray outside of the agricultural journalism building. Those frats fucking suck for completely different reasons.

Now, the first and most obvious reason as to why fraternities are for idiots is because all the current members are idiots, meaning future idiots would be welcomed. Here’s an example: when fraternities are criticized for being stupid, or constantly drunk, or date rapists, or drug dealers, or arsonists, the fraternities and their defenders (the she-winos they give free beer to in exchange for some boob action) always come back with the same reply: "The people who criticize fraternities are just angry because they applied for membership and got rejected!"

Of course, the fraternities are accusing their detractors of sour grapes, and it would be a valid claim too, if it was based on anything except the fact that these people don’t like fraternities. That’s like saying the reason Rush Limbaugh doesn’t like minorities is because he applied for membership to become black, but he got rejected, so now he goes around denouncing black people all the time.

It wouldn’t even be that bad, except they assert that claim even when the person making the criticism is completely anonymous. Here’s a fun example: I’m the editor of my school newspaper’s humor page. Like many college newspapers, we have a section (which is on my page) where we print random comments from students (and occasionally Mister Fart) left in the form of either an answering machine message or an e-mail. A few weeks ago, someone left a message about a fraternity infamous for slipping date rape drugs into girls’ beers and generally for being dumbasses, about how they’re date rapists and dumbasses. So since it was kind of funny, I put it in the paper.

About two days later, I get a message from the president of this fraternity (referring to himself in the third person, no less. In the sake of fairness, I will refer to him as Retard McStupidFuck) saying that he wanted to talk with me. Retard McStupidFuck believed I shouldn’t say anything bad about his fraternity, and the only reason he really offered was because one of their members died two weeks earlier of, surprise!, alcohol poisoning and a drug overdose.

I emailed him back saying, basically, no, but more politely than he deserved. He then replied with this cryptic message:

You stated: Why do members of the BUMBLE FUCK fraternity cry when they have sex? it’s the mase. That is obscene. Very much so. You are also stating that I am a rapist, or that women use mase on me. That is personal. It is up to you to run things about yourself, but I have not read of how you have raped or otherwise taken advantage of women. If you take a girlfriend, then people get mad. They will say anything. I just would think that you would give a break when you know it is needed. I doubt that you are running out of gripes to write.

If you can get around the spelling errors, the caveman-like syntax and grammar, and the perverted logic, you might notice that he thinks I wrote that funny joke about his frat members being chronically "mased" (sic). However, I clearly and patiently explained to him in my previous email that some idiot with a phone who knows how to dial numbers on it expressed that opinion. I replied by saying it’s not my fault that he got his feelings hurt by an idiot, and if he wants people to stop saying how his frat is full of molesters, hold a symposium or publish leaflets or something showing everyone how sensitive you are towards the modern woman instead of holding vomiting contests. His reply:

Hurt my feelings? Ya...alright. Nice talking to you.

Good bye,

Retard McStupidFuck.

Now can you see why frats are so effective? Because their presidents are so smart! He was asking me to do something (not print all the bad things people say about his flock of tards), yet he got offended and decided to end the conversation after I told him no twice. It’s like he’s an unsatisfied customer, except he’s not the customer, I am, and he’s trying to sell me something. Have you ever seen a cashier at McDonalds storm out of the building because someone wanted to buy a Happy Meal, but didn’t want to pay for it? Of course not, because that’s fucking stupid. Well, that’s pretty much what this moron did. Nice going, dumbass.

And what the fuck is "If you take a girlfriend, then people get mad. They will say anything" supposed to mean? "If you take a girlfriend"? How hard is it to go back and spend 13 seconds proof reading your emails, just to make sure you don’t sound Thundarr the Barbarian or Attila the Hun?

Do you want a REAL reason frats suck now? Because they take themselves too seriously, WAAAAAY too seriously. It’s a bunch of college students on academic probation living together and making people who might want to join do pleasant tasks such as drinking semen or trying to swim across a river naked with a lit candle sticking out of their ass. Contrary to what frats might think, it’s not a holy brotherhood where friendships are forged forever and sacred acts are performed. Hell, all these frats date back barely a few generations ago, when they were formed by 19th century drunk college students who sexually assaulted their wealthy parents’ indentured servants, had real big muttonchop style sideburns like Grover Cleveland, and beat the living shit out of illiterate Irish immigrants for kicks.

Here’s a prime example of fraternities thinking they’re more important than any other house full of drunk retards who identify themselves with two or three random letters from a dead language: http://www.badgerherald.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2003/09/29/3f778dd7d82c2?in_archive=1

They didn’t want to reveal the location of this room, but all that was in it was pews, a podium, and some candles? What the hell are the fire fighters going to say? "Oh shit, they’ve got wooden pews! Just like in a church! Somebody get the fucking bomb squad here, now!" Unless they were performing human sacrifices in there (and I wouldn’t hold it past them), there couldn’t possibly be anything in there that fire fighters would give a crap about. As if it wasn’t bad enough that these go-tards didn’t show fire fighters this "secret" room, when it was ON FIRE, some fucking lunatic posted this in response to the Badger Herald’s story:

I feel your detailed description of the fire location is an injustice to the Sigma Phi's and the entire Greek system as a whole. Though the Fire Crew should have been notified of the fire's location, this article is totally inappropriate for the general public. The house is a private home owned by a private organization. The fire is a great loss to a chapter that has provided a home and social setting for hundreds of young men who have kept her secrets buried in their hearts for life. You have now destroyed that bond of friendship and secrecy that is the hallmark of the Sigma Phi, as well as other Greek Chapters campus wide.

I am not fucking kidding. You know what? I was thinking that maybe saying frats are worse than PETA at the beginning of this shit was a little too harsh. But fuck that. If you belong to a frat, you need to sit on it and spin, you drooling mongoloid.

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