OMG! We're Famous!

Contrary to what one might think after reading all the "Adult Swim sucks now!" articles on this site and posts at the Adult Swim Message Board (ASMB), we people who think Adult Swim eats brown still watch it, at the very least to see new episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Which means we were very surprised to see allusions to the ASMB, Kon, and a reference to a post I made at Toonzone in the bumpers that ran September 14.

First, although it's very thrilling and whatnot to see some slight reference to you on TV, those bumpers still fucking suck. Just because these crappy bumpers are about us doesn't mean I'm going to stop hating the bumpers when they tell me that, apparently, I'm complaining about not enough anime on Adult Swim. Hell, if somebody made a porno movie based on my life, even though it would be the worst thing ever, I would still think it's the bee's knees because it's about me.

The following are accounts of the bumpers influenced by the ASMB. However, these are just the bumpers that I saw. I didn't watch all of Adult Swim, nor would I expect anybody else to willfully watch such garbage as Big O. Therefore, they could have ran a bumper saying that Bobo is the coolest renegade, shotgun-wielding werewolf hunter on the planet and I would never have known if it was shown during Big O. Seriously, Big O is the worst show ever. If the dialogue of Big O was delivered by naked super models throwing live grenades at helicopters, it would still be the worst show ever. Big O fucking sucks.

But I digress. Obviously, everyone should know Big O is a steaming load. The first bumper I noted to be "special," I did not realize it was about something I did until two hours after I saw it. It was a reference to my exploits at the god-awful Toonzone message boards, during the two hours before I was banned from there. Some jerk-ass made it painfully obvious to everybody else that some singer/guitarist named John Mayer gave him wood. But since Joe Strummer (former lead singer of the Clash) gives me wood, I had to say "John Mayer has less talent in his entire body then Joe Strummer has in a single pubic lice." Since it's true.

Fast forward eight days, and I see a bumper on Adult Swim that says this: "Internet music battle! John Mayer vs. the clash! Who would win? Who teh feck cares? [the clash!]" I don't even know who the hell John Mayer is either. What pisses me off about this bumper is I said "Joe Strummer is better than John Mayer." Any go-tard in a bicycle helmet would know that The Clash is better than John Mayer. Asking who's better is the most fucking ridiculous question ever. That's like asking "What would you rather have to eat? Some of Louie Anderson's rancid shit, or some delicious candy?" I asserted that Joe Strummer, without the other three members of the band, was better than John Mayer. And you know what? I'm completely right about that. So fuck you, Adult Swim.

The next bumper that gave me and the rest of the ASMB our mandatory fifteen minutes of fame looked like this: "Review of the Adult Swim forums; ASMB: youngsters; Toonzone: gated community; Adultswim.com: America." Youngsters? Why don't you cram it, assholes? The first thing wrong here was pointed out by Doug from the ASMB, who correctly stated that the final card in the bumper should have read "AdultSwimcom: Japan." But both the Adultswim.com board and the Toonzone board are predominantly frequented by 14-year-old anime fans. The only reason we get labeled as "youngsters" is because we swear all the time. The Toonzone and adultswim.com boards replace all swear words and many words that aren't swear words but are offensive with a bunch of pound signs. They can't swear, because nobody would know what the hell they're talking about. But don't think that means they wouldn't swear. I don't know where the hell else they'd get "youngsters" from.

The last bumper I care about was directed to Kon. I don't know what it said verbatim, as I wasn't watching very attentively because, as I have said, these bumpers fucking suck. It was doing its little spiel about sending your proof of purchase for those piece of shit "cus anime is teh s uck" shirts to Williams Street, and they'll actually send you something in return. The last cards in this bumper said "Kon, if you buy this shirt, we'll send you the rough cut of Shatner on Space Ghost."

First, let me say what is wrong with those shirts; I hate them. But wait! Jokes about the internet are always funny, right? And I'll be the first to admit that anything on the internet that is extremely sarcastic, purposefully full of spelling, grammar and punctuation errors and typed in all caps is the highest form of humor mankind can ever hope to achieve. However, as you might have read in one of Kon’s many, many articles complaining about Adult Swim, internet jokes are only funny on the internet.

The second I see “WTF” on a TV screen, it stops being funny. The reason typing in all caps and misspelling every other word is funny on the internet is because that’s how most people actually talk on the internet. There are still countless of people on the internet who type in all caps because they desperately want attention. And even though it takes all of six seconds to proofread an email that is maybe a paragraph long, I still get emails all the god damned time from people who seem to think that it’s acceptable to misspell “where” as “wree.” That’s not funny anywhere else besides the internet. That’s like making a joke about the quirks and foibles of radio on TV; almost nobody is even going to get the joke, and anyone who does isn’t going to like it.

So it’s obviously established that the “cus anime is t eh suck” shirt is crap and nobody would ever want it. However, those temptress bastards at Adult Swim are offering pure, uncut Shat in exchange for Kon actually buying that overpriced bullshit shirt. Personally, I would send them money for the shirt but demand that they don’t send me the fucking shirt, and just cut out the middleman by letting me order worthless shit Williams Street pulled out of their recycling bin right next to the big laser printer. Seriously. I would pay the price of one of those t-shirts just to get the Shatner tape, but if an only if they DON’T send me a shirt. I wouldn’t even give it away as a gift because there’s nobody I know who I hate that fucking much.

And don’t get me wrong; I might hate Adult Swim and the bumpers and all the anime and 90 percent of all its fans, but being mentioned, even indirectly through a message board, on one of those bumpers fucking ruled. However, that doesn’t mean I still don’t die a little inside every time I see Brak screaming at me about how great Big O is. That’s how much Adult Swim fucking bites right now. They mention the ASMB in a bumper and they show a bumper clearly inspired by me, and I still think Adult Swim blows. Eat my brown, Adult Swim.

Back