How the Cat in the Hat Ruined My Life

I just saw the worst fucking thing I will ever see in my entire life, and I saw it on MTV. I know that's a harsh statement, since I might yet live to see several nuclear wars and a deadly polio outbreak. But it's a true statement; if you found a victim of numerous, violent orangutan molestations, who had every bone in his body shattered into absolute splinters and every time he breathes his lungs become completely filled with blood, and showed him this MTV program, he would say “that MTV ‘behind the scenes’ special on that shitty new Cat in the Hat movie that you just showed me is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.”

Now, I know I gotta explain why I was watching MTV, because really that’s inexcusable. I mean, I like those all Jackass spin-off shows, but they’re still retarded. And every time MTV actually has a good show, like Clone High or 3-South, it’s gone after eight episodes. But MTV reality shows are hilarious. Only a communist wouldn’t chuckle with delight upon hearing some idiot whine out “dude, I totally cannot fucking believe the pledge-coordinator brother paddled our asses and made us peel duct tape off of each other’s sacks with our teeth just because Riley threw up in that Zeta chick’s mouth! That’s so fucking rank!

So I’m watching MTV, because I’m so fucking rank, when I realize that I’m watching a “behind the scenes” special on that god-forsaken pile of movie “The Cat in the Hat,” loosely based on the Dr. Suess book of the same name. If you’re not a Hollywood insider, “behind the scenes” specials are 22 minutes of bullshit pieced together from three-seconds long clips from the horrible movie in question, boring-ass footage of the most boring-ass parts of making the boring-ass movie (such as watching the set being put together or cat make-up being put on Mike Meyer’s face), and idiotic answers by members of the idiotic cast to idiot questions (“what does your character feel about emotions?“) asked by an idiotic MTV intern.

Now, normally I would change it right away, because I’m not a complete fucking moron, but this actually really funny. Nobody could help laughing at the ridiculous and insane character developments in this movie. This movie is adapted from a children’s book that, when read in its entirety (complete with acting out the actions and events pictured within said book) would take any at-least mildly retarded adult no longer than 20 minutes. This movie also violently and ferociously sodomizes the children’s book it was based on. They gave the kids in the book's mother a job, and made her boss be a germophobe played by the flamboyant queen from Will and Grace, and were talking about how great a thing that was. This was rather entertaining because you could see how the movie ruined the book just by watching small clips of the movie and MTV commercials instead of having to spend two hours sitting through the actual shitty movie.

Yeah, I know; it's all fun and games until the MTV special disproves the existence of god, which, in retrospect, was inevitable, really. At this point, they were showing how they built the set for this fucking pile of a movie. They started out in a desert. Well, deserts are fine, I mean they’re not great but I guess cactuses have got to live somewhere, as well as what the fuck else ever lives in the desert. Scorpions, and, roadrunners? Who cares, the point is they filmed the movie in the desert. But then they showed one of those time-lapse photography clips of the set being built. The set was built out of green carpet and plywood, pretty much staple-gunned over the desert that used to be there. Of course, the mongoloid cast is beaming about what a wonderful set they have and how glorious it was that they built it and how this set being built will revolutionize the hugging industry.

At this point, I'm completely shocked that they just raped the natural environment to build fake houses so that the shitty "Cat in the Hat" movie doesn't look too "computer animatedy" I'm literally standing in front of the TV screen, angrily shaking my fist at Mike Meyer's hideous visage, and screaming about how they horribly ruined that pretty good desert to make a shitty movie set. They took something that wasn't bad and not only did they completely ruin it, but they were on MTV bragging about how good they ruined it.

And it was then that I realized all existence is a joke; I realized I was railing on about how the bumble fucks behind that fucking terrible "Cat in the Hat" movie had taken something that wasn't bad and not only completely ruined it, but then went on MTV and bragged about how great it was that they were ruining something, and I wasn't railing on about the original Dr. Seuss book. I was complaining that this movie ruined something, and I wasn't talking about the book it's based on because it was too busy ruining something else. It was at this point that I tried to rip my feet off of my legs because the intense pressure this thought caused in my brain was so painful that I thought the only way to distract myself from said pain would be to run a marathon on freshly made bloody stumps.

Sure, I might be overreacting; but considering the fact that now I can't feel happiness, I would dare say that I am under reacting.

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