Adult Swim: Awesome to Shitty in Two Years Flat

Exactly two years ago, on September 2, 2001 EST, Cartoon Network premiered the Wacky Super Fun Block Adult Swim. I couldn't wait. Around June or July or whatthefuckever 2001, Cartoon Network announced Adult Swim, and it sounded like the greatest thing ever to me. First (and most importantly), it would have new episodes of the greatest thing ever made, Space Ghost Coast to Coast. And along with that, it would have not one, not two, not three, but FOUR completely new series made by Williams Street, the company behind Space Ghost Coast to Coast. It couldn't have possibly sucked.

Flash forward to today, September 2, 2003. Adult Swim fucking sucks. It's on five days a week, they're still producing new episodes of all the original shows, and they've picked up Futurama and Family Guy, two shows I love. And Adult Swim fucking sucks.

The biggest problem with Adult Swim today can be condensed to five letters: anime. I hate anime. I hate all anime more than I hate anything. Now listen, I realize that I wrote an article about how stupid anime fags are for saying all anime is better than all American animation. And I also realize that I'm doing the same exact thing. I don't fucking care. Hearing the word "anime" makes my blood boil. Just thinking of the two-some-odd hours I wasted on the piece of shit Fooly Cooly makes me want to donkeypunch Michael J. Fox until he bleeds. Adult Swim runs fifteen hours a week, nine and a half of those hours are anime. That's bullshit. I'd rather spend nine and a half hours a week trying to find out how many ribs I'd have to break before I can lick my own brown eye. Anime is ruining Adult Swim.

I haven't always had a problem with anime. Back before I realized that it was worse than Hitler in a dress, I used to like anime. I remember I used to watch Toonami just because watching anime was the "geek-chic" thing to do. And all the girls at my old high school who watched anime were like hot and stuff. I actually liked Cowboy Bebop when Adult Swim first started out. Now, there's too much anime. Fuck, too much anime is an understatement. Saying there's too much anime on Adult Swim is like saying there's too much airplane in the Twin Towers (yes, I just did compare anime to the 9/11 attacks, and I don't care). And what the fuck is the purpose of the anime? To satiate the fuckhead nerd-ass dickfaces who post at the adultswim.com boards. Swell. Who cares about the people who were drawn to Adult Swim for its original and hilarious comedy shows when we've got faggots living in their mom's basement who'd rather see boring derivative shit like Fooly Cooly?

I used to be a douchebag and I went to the Art Institute of Phoenix. Most of the people there were anime nerds who watched anime, so I couldn't talk about Adult Swim because they'd just be like "OH YEAH, I WATCH ANIME TOO." Now I go to ASU, and most of the Adult Swim watchers here are big dumb jocks who only watch Futurama and Family Guy on the weekdays. It makes me think, when these are the people watching Futurama and Family Guy, why the fuck do they follow it up with shit like Inuyasha or Fooly Cooly? These are the braindead weightlifters who beat up anime faggots. What is Cartoon Network's thought process? "Oh, don't worry, they'll sit through shows they hate if it's on after shows they like." What the fuck? I'm getting pissed off just thinking about the anime. I'll move on to the next reason Adult Swim is shit.

The next reason Adult Swim sucks goat nut now: the black and white buttfuck cards. Every Fooly Cooly-watching idiot loves them. Why? What the fuck is so special about them? OH, I GET IT, THEY'RE MAKING A JOKE ABOUT THE INTERNET ON A TV! So what? I remember I used to think it would be really hilarious to wear a t-shirt that said "WTF?" on it. Then I actually saw someone wearing a shirt like that. That person just looked like an ass. And I realized, internet jokes are only funny on the internet. Hey let's think about one of the other things about the black and brown bumpers that are funny. THEY'RE LIKE ALL TOTALLY CHEAP AND STUFF, AND MOST SHOWS DON'T HAVE CHEAP BUMPERS IN BETWEEN SHOWS, THEY HAVE LIKE EXPENSIVE BUMPERS AND STUFF, SO ADULT SWIM IS DOING THE OPPOSITE OF THAT. Wow. How fucking innovative. In case you haven't noticed, everything on Adult Swim is cheap. Look at Aqua Teen Hunger Force. You see how it's not a computer generated underwater world of magic and carefree? Yeah, it's fucking drawings of food that are barely animated to move. All the shows on Adult Swim are cheap. What's so amazingly impressive about unfunny unclever words that tell you to like them, so long as they're cheaply done?

It really makes me long for the days when Adult Swim was creative. When you'd tune in at 10:00 Sundays and see some old-ass person against music that I've grown to hate from so many people asking about it but have now grown to love because I miss it so much, and it would almost tell you "If you don't get this bumper, don't watch this block." Back when they'd run promos backwards. Remember that? FUCK that was great. Now the only bumpers we see are Williams Street going "HEY, LOOK AT HOW HILARIOUS WE ARE! YOU LOVE THESE BUMPERS, RIGHT??? LET'S ALL WATCH ADULT SWIM HAHAHA ADULT SWIM IS SO GREAT! :thumbsup" I'm getting really depressed just writing about how Adult Swim sucks now. I really don't want to put this article up anymore because it's making me sad. I guess I'll think about the good things about Adult Swim.

Shatner is going to be on Space Ghost.

Fuck, that's it? Adult Swim is on the dawn of its second year and that's the only thing I have to look forward to? Well, fortunately Shatner and Space Ghost are the only two things that matter. So, because I know Williams Street is reading this, I'll give them tips on how to make Adult Swim better.

1. Put Angry Naked Pat on Adult Swim. Yes, I'm just plugging someone I don't know's website, fortunately it's the funniest website ever. I command you to read and watch every single thing there. But seriously, Angry Naked Pat (or Patchouli or Monkey Man or anything by Brian Lynch) would be ten times better than most of the shit on Adult Swim now.

2. Bring back Adult Swim Action on Saturday. I never ever never thought I'd say this, but I miss Adult Swim Action. It may have sucked balls and been possibly the worst three consecutive hours of TV in the history of mankind, but at least it kept anime off of Sundays.

3. Get rid of those cunting black and white fucketry. Even bring back the safety bumpers. They may have not been funny at all, but they were still funnier than the black and white shit. The black and white shit is so unfunny, it's somehow less funny than someone trying really hard to be unfunny.

4. Fuck it, just hire me to run Adult Swim. I'll fix it. No more weekdays, no more anime, no Futurama and Family Guy, just good TV. Old school yo.

Fuck this is the worst article I ever wrote. Anyway, SEND ME your Adult Swim two year retrospective, and I'll probably put it up. Really, I will, I'm desperate for updates. Even if you like anime and write an article about how Space Ghost sucks, I'll still put it up. I'll probably make fun of you too, but I'll put it up. I want updates. Now go to Angry Naked Pat.

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